Father's Day

I'm really only writing this for myself, in hopes that in the end it helps.

So this is my first Father's Day without him.

I've been wearily anticipating this day for the last 3 months. Off the top of my head, I knew that Father's Day this year was June 21st, and that last year it was the 15th. Last year it was a pretty big day for me. It marked the beginning of the end.

I had been home just a month before for Mother's Day and Deep Blu Something, and things didn't seem too bad.

But in that month things changed. I had already planned out my summer--stay in San Diego, have fun with my friends, play Safari. And then out of the blue, I got an email from my mom. It pretty much told me that I needed to come home for the summer. It wasn't like a 'you should consider.' It didn't specifically say it, but it read more like, 'this may be your last chance.' I had no idea what I would be going home to. In a way, I always suspected the worst, but at the same time denied it the best I could. I pretty much spent everyday for the two weeks leading up to and through finals crying. Makes studying relatively difficult.

June 13th. Huge end of the year party at Duffy's house. I didn't know it at the time, but I pretty much tried to drink away my problems. From what I can remember, I just kept taking shot after shot because none of them were doing anything. Then at some point I was crying on someone's shoulder. And from what I'm told, when I started puking and they tried to put me in a car, I fought back. I was shocked to hear this. Had to make an apology call after that.

June 14th. Woke up early so I could walk back to my apartment to shower before going to DUDE. When I got out of the shower, Loryn called me. I had 3 missed calls from my mom, with 3 angry messages. She was supposed to be coming to watch my game, and after a whole week of asking, I still hadn't told her where it would be, and she was already supposed to have left. Fed up, she had gone through my old cell phone records and found Loryn's number in it. I didn't know my mom was an ex-spy. I finally make it to DUDE, the hangover was horrible. And then my mom shows up pissed. She proceeds to sit on the sideline of my field and reads the newspaper while I play. We go to lunch afterwards. I feel so sick I can't eat. I'm so sad I can't help but cry at the table. Moving out sucked. The drive home sucked.

Walking through the front doors of my house was shocking. The last month had caused a dramatic change in his appearance. Two years ago, he was overweight, big belly, 225 lbs. Now he was maybe 120 lbs. Maybe. At 5'11" There was no fat--only small muscle outlines and bones. It was horrifying. I was scared to give him a hug. Scared that I would hurt him. It would only get worse in the next month.

June 15th. Father's Day. When I got up my mom asked me what I had gotten him for a present. I obviously did not want to be home. I said my presence was his present. She told me to go to the deli down the street and get him a few of the mini chocolate eclairs. I stopped by Barnes and Noble and picked up a Sudoku booklet as well. One of the biggest regrets of my life. I hate myself for that day. I was so selfish. A day meant to be thanking, after 18 years of, well, of everything. This is how I repaid him? This is how I spent my last Father's Day? I will never forgive myself. And of course, he had a bite of the eclair out of politeness, but my mom and I would have to finish the rest. He didn't like it because the chemo had affected his taste buds. And later I would have to finish the Sudokus. He was so tired all the time, he was only able to complete a few.

And that marked the beginning of the end.

Thinking back on today, I guess the name "Father's Day," the idea of the day, was far worse than the day itself. This Sunday wasn't actually that eventful. Three months led up quite the anti-climax.

But anyway, here's to my dad.

R.I.P
Ron McNees
7.17.08
I love you.
And I miss you.